What is "Fair"?

Yesterday, I had to sit around for 2 hours and listen to a friend of mine complaining that something wasn't "fair". I wanted to scream, to smack her accross the head for being stupid, to get up on my soapbox and preach about the true meaning of "fair".
But I didn't, because I'm a good friend. I listened, consoled, and attempted to convince her that not everything in this life is supposed to go her way, that she can't have complete and utter control over everything and everyone. Did my words get through to her? Probably not.
And so it got me started thinking about fairness. I just read AJs blog, and it reminded me of why I stopped paying attention to politics. The US is one big unfair meanie when it comes to international politics. Debate helped me realize this last year, and now I'm so dissillusioned with out government that I can't stand to hear about some of the idiot things that we do. We are never fair, and for the most part we care only about our own interests. We are selfish.
And I use the term "we" because, even though you and I are not government officials, we live in this country, we vote (or at least have the right to), and therefore no matter what our ideologies or personal beliefs, we support our government. We pay taxes. If we truly wanted to not support the government, we would leave the country. And that is my belief. So even though I am not by any means a fan of Bush or of his policies, I'm still an American, I'm not actively trying to oust him from office, so I must support him.
Now I know that this logic doesn't actually flow. But it's an outsiders perspective of us - the US citizens. And outside of this country, that's where life REALLY isn't fair. People die from stupid diseases all the time. Government corruption and dictators and bandits and militia kill innocents, even children. So everytime I hear someone whine about how something isn't "fair", privately I shake my head and think, you have no idea.

An Utter Lack of Deep Thoughts

Yeah, there's no room for introspection in my brain today. It's snowing outside. We're supposed to get 1 - 3 inches of accumulation by tomorrow. Wow. And I keep forgetting that my sled is at home.
I made a step in the right direction today. I talked to my Newsgathering professor about internships at the Free-Lance Star. So maybe I will have a real job this semester. I hope so. I also printed out an application for Parks and Rec, cause old habbits die hard and teaching really isn't that bad of a job and it pays twice what I would get anywhere else.
I don't think I have any more thoughts for today. I'm too tired really to think, except I think I should consider going to bed earlier. Sigh.

Another day, just believe.
Another day, just breathe.

Life beats on in minutes, seconds, hours, decades...
And we all just keep plugging along.
There are some who stop to ponder,
There are some who watch the rest scramble by,
And here I am, stuck in the middle.
The true definition of indecision?
A true indecisive will never decide.
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But life should be lived without regrets.
The proverbs and cliches tell us how to live,
But following the silver trail in the black ocean
Just somehow seems my inevitable path.
Sometimes it's clear and vivid like the empty sky itself.
Sometimes it's choppy, broken by wake and wind and waves.
And sometimes it dissappears,
Leaving me wandering aimlessly,
Praying for the pallid light and path to return.
And sometimes I see it, but I turn the other way.
I wander into the blackness
As time ticks predictably by.
Another minute, another second, another lifetime.


Another day, I'm used to it by now,
Just breathe

A sorta Fairytale...

Bienvenido a mi vida... Yeah anyways. I didn't get a ticket today! Definately cause for rejoicing. And we are officially into taper, I can smell the end of the swim season - it's almost here!! Well actually, I can't really Smell it persay, cause actually it will be characterized by a Lack of smell - no more chlorine!! Well maybe some, yeah I know I still work at a pool and I'll probably still be swimming every now and then so my muscles don't atrophy and so I don't gain 480387429487 lbs, but anyways let me have my dumb cliches!
Ok now I'm just ranting. Time for the madness to stop.

It is freezing outside!! The wind chill is 5 degrees. I'm pretty sure that it's NOT supposed to be that cold in Virginia, ever!!
Right now I'm parked illegally, cause of course when I got back from work the lot was full. Every five seconds I run to the window and check the parking lot to see if there's a cop so I can jo down and move my car or if there's an empty space.
Ok, now the wind chill is -2 degrees. HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that's why I didn't park at the Battlegrounds this morning. Walking over a mile in cold like that??? I think not. Especially with wet clothes (the hazards of working at a pool).
Hopefully I won't get another ticket, cause if I do I have NO money to pay it at all. Oh well. Shit happens.

The superbowl is a killer.
Like last year, I really didn't know who I was cheering for. I'm nuetral about both teams. But I can't help but feel bad for the Raiders, or I guess the losing teams in general. It's sad seeing grown men cry.
Well, enough of that.

I had a good weekend. It caused me to get a little introspective, which I suppose is a good thing at times. But of course, it makes me think about my shortcomings, and there are so many that it's a little depressing.
Or maybe it's just that it's Sunday night, I have to get up in 6 hours, and the upcoming week is looking busy and stressful.
Maybe that's it.

The Breath of God?

This afternoon's practice wasn't going very well. Whenever the whole team is in the water, for some reason it stirs up some chemicals and makes it difficult to breathe, and the majority of us begin hacking every time we come up for air.
Unfortunately, I'm usually one of the first afflicted with this dreadful coughing. It keeps me awake late at night, coughing into my pillow, trying not to wake up the entire dorm and trying not to eject my lungs out of my body.
So today, when the whole team started sounding like a bunch of lifetime smokers, coach opened up the pool doors; all 6 or 7 of them. That helped a little, but not enough.
Then, in the middle of a difficult set, a wave of steam poured over the deep end. He'd opened the sliding glass doors to the outside, for just a minute. The air rushing in had a wind chill of about 10 degrees (right now it's at 5). I gasped in the air, litterally sucking it in as fast as I could. When we reached the other end, the whole team was abuzz.

Me: That was so amazing! I can't even describe how amazing that air felt!
Pris: I know man
Me: Seriously, I don't have any words. It was just... It was so..
Pris: It was like God was breathing into your mouth.
Me: Exactly!!!

Well that was one of the coolest things I've ever heard anyone say, and probably one of the most appropriate too. There is absolutely no other way to describe the sensation of suddenly being able to breathe.
Who knew swimming would teach me to appreciate the little things in life? A little fresh air goes a long way I guess.

Wanted: Cajones

I am such a wimp sometimes. I wish that I had the gift of a free tongue, and the ability to put into words what bothers me to those that actually need to hear it. But I don't, so I sit here bitching to no one in particular about problems that I could easily fix if I just grew some balls.
Maybe steroids will work, they make women more manly, right?
Here's the deal: Last night, it's after 12, and I'm falling asleep.
Giggle giggle. No way!
I jolt back to reality with the sound of my roomate talking on her cell phone with her boyfriend. I think he must monopolize the conversations, cause she doesn't say much. But every 3, 4 minutes or so when she does get in a few words, they are loud. This goes on for an hour. Why!!!!!
I am one of the most non-confrontational people I know. I hate it. Actually, hate is not a strong enough word. I abhor it. But I'm sure my roommate doesn't mean any harm. She's such a little, quiet person. She just has some habbits that I find incredibly inconsiderate, and I can't seem to find the words to mention this.
Maybe I should take some assertion classes or something. Like I have the time.
Oh well. I guess that if it starts to bother me enough, I will say something. I just don't want to be one of THOSE people. You know, the bitchy ones.

This morning was a gift- from hell.
And the snow that's falling constantly, a blessing or a curse?

Either way, it's not helping to lighten my mood like it usually does. Why am I so grumpy? After all, it's still before 10 am. Most sane people aren't even awake yet. Well I've been up since 5:30, for work. But I never made it. Because I went outside in the freezing temperatures, to find one of my tires completely flat. Completely and totally. I've seen this happen to many many cars in my parking lot. Is this a joke? I don't think it's funny.
So I need my car, I have a lot of errands to run. And I'm not about to change my tire by myself in the snow. So I call AAA. It's about 6:15 by now, after I've already called my father to tell him I'll be missing work. They tell me the tow truck should come within the hour. That gives me till 7:15, and with an 8:00 class that's cutting it close, but I figure it shouldn't take that long. I mean how many people need tow trucks at 6 am? So I go inside and pass out on the couch in the lobby, waiting for a call to let me know the truck is almost here. And I wake up several times to check the clock. 6:30, 6:45, 7:00... where is the damn tow truck??? I call around 7:15, and wait on hold for 5 minutes. AAA tells me the tow truck company will call me back. A few minutes later, they call - and tell me the driver is "right around the corner". Five minutes later, they call again. Where exactly is this parking lot?
Right.
So I tell them, again. And wait another 5 minutes. Finally, the guy shows up. And my spare is soft. That's ok, I figured he'd have an air compressor. After all, he's going to change a tire right? Aren't air compressors handy? But no. So here I am, it's 7:45, I have class in 15 minutes all the way accorss campus in the farthest possible building, and I still have a flat tire. AND I got up at 5:30, and made no money cause I didn't go to work.
Sorry to bitch so much, but honestly. This morning sucked.
But I have nice friends that like to cheer me up. Thanks Jason:)

Ok Rachel, Thank you for making me feel like the procrastinator and underacheiver that I am!!! I wish I was getting things done, I wish that every five minutes I didn't say, oh I can do this later. But I do, and then I want to shoot myself for it later. I suppose maybe when I'm a year older I'll have gained some semblance of responsibility. I just wonder how Rach attained hers. Good job, elder sister. You're doing well at collecting those pebbles in the road less taken.

So I'm back into life with a smack.
At least that's what it feels like. Getting up for morning practice was rather difficult. Possibly cause I only got 5 hours of sleep. Sigh. I still haven't bought my books yet, I had to wait until I got my bank statement, cause I really wasn't sure how much money I had. But thankfully, that finally came - and I balanced my checkbook. I have enough to pay for my credit card bill, and I guess I'll put my books on the card, so that when the next bill comes I'll have another month or two to make money. Sigh. Why can't education be free? I know I know, that was a rhetorical question.
I took a test on emode called "Why are you still single?" The answer was something I've known for a long time, I'm afraid to committ. If you haven't joined emode, you really should - cause the tests are rather interesting.
We lost our first meet on Saturday. It was very sad. Well, the boys won, they beat Gettyburg for the first time ever, but we lost at home for the first time (not sure if that's an "ever" though, it may just be the first time in a while). I did ok, my first swim was bad but I made up for that on the other one. I kind of feel worthless to the team though, cause I'm still an exhibition swimmer, and I have a feeling I'll stay that way right through conferences. I don't realy mind, I didn't have big expectations cause I was never really fast and I took over a year off; but I sometimes worry that because I'm not needed, I'm not wanted. Well - these are probably unfounded fears, but oh well.
And I realize I'm skipping around a lot right now, but I'm tired, and I'm waiting for my roommate to leave so I can take a nap. This no class till 1pm thing is awesome, and it's going to rock even more after the swim season is over. For this week at least, though, I still have to get up at 5:30 every morning, I'm still working and we still have morning practice.
Ah well, Yay for rambling, now it's naptime.

First week (well half-week) of classes is over. And that horrible, overwhelming feeling is only beginning to descend upon me. At least it's not here yet though; cause i think that would just be really sad. But yeah - there is an overwhelming amount of activity that is going to be taking over my life for the next month, and after Valentine's Day weekend - I will be able to breathe. Finally. I can't wait.

I LOVE this mixed cd that AJ made for my bday. I love all of the songs on it, thank you girlie!! Today was an interesting day. I'm not really in the mood to type about it right now, but maybe another time. I kind of just feel like laying down and reading my book. But I have a meet tomorrow so I should probably go to bed I guess. I dunno. But yeah, ok, I'm feeling lazy...

Thank God for friends!!

I just read AJ's blog, I was catching up on all of the time that I missed while in Florida (I really feel like I dropped off the face of the earth for 2 week), and I'm so happy that we're such good friends. She made the salient point that being apart for long periods of time hardly seems to affect our friendship, and looking at our history I would have to agree:)

At home yesterday, I finally pulled out the diary I started writing in first grade. I haven't looked at it in years. Back in 92, when I was 9 years old, I started making lists of who my friends were, how much of my friend each person was, and why. It was enlightening reading, since most of the people I wrote about I'd forgetten even existed. This continued on for a while, and I also wrote about what boys I was in love with and why. I found an interesting pattern to; whenever I was enamored with someone, it was always for a long time. As in, at least 2 years. I don't get over crushes easily. I'd always wondered why my first-ever relationship (with Robbie) has lasted so long when most people have at least a few short ones. I guess this kind of shows why. I don't become infatuated easily, so when I fall, it's for however long that person stays in at least my peripheral, or till I decide that he's really a big jerk.

But back on the friendship vein, I wrote that AJ was one of my best friends in 93, when I was in fifth grade. That was 10 years ago. It's good to know that we really can stand the test of time and distance.
(Sorry about being so corny, but I'm sleepy, it's nap time, and I always get slightly melodramatic when I'm tired.)

I'm back!!! Relaxing here at school, in front of my computer, waiting for classes to start tomorrow!! Today is Michelle's birthday, but she's taking me out cause she wanted to:) haha. It should be fun I hope. I have a lot of things to do today, and I have what will be a very painful practice at 2:00, but yeah - I am so glad to be home. However, I am really missing the beach. On the way there, as we passed by the ever-increasing number of palm trees and as the weather warmed to the point of tank tops and shorts, I had to sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I'd taken that full ride to the U of Florida. I wouldn't have any of the money issues that have been plaguing me and my family, but at the same time I wouldn't have any of the friends that I've made. And even though this year has brought me a lot of heartache, I do think that I'm truly happy here, I just wish that logistically everything would work out as I'd like it to - that Lindsay was still here, that I have enough scholarship money to not worry about if I'll still be here in a year, that my grades would be better, and I could probably go on for ages.

But I know that's not the way the world works.

Happy New Year!!!!
I am really looking forward to this year. For all of the rough times that I know lie ahead, I'm positive that I will make it through them and that I will manage to enjoy myself this year. I used to make resolutions back in high school. I think I may have a few now, too. And maybe I'll keep these - I've had mixed success in the past, some I've kept, some I haven't, and some I ended up not wanting to keep (like the year i resolved to stay away from a certain boy -even though i was still in love with him- because he kept breaking my heart, but then we ended up getting really close again and i decided i didn't need to keep that particular resolution- ps i probably should have but oh well). But yeah - for 2003: I'm going to work harder in school and attempt to remember that I'm there to learn and not just to have fun. I'm going to do a better job managing my finances and seeing to it that i can continue my education. I'm going to keep swimming over the summer so that I can continue to improve next year. I'm going to get a real job where you actually wear clothes. I'm going to attempt to beat the procrastination bug out of myself by any means necessary.

I don't think these resolutions will be too hard to keep.
On another note, tonight was my last night with AJ - and I had a good time though I wonder now whether I should have just stayed in with her, had daquari's and watched dvd's. Because we didn't get to talk much, and that's what's best about hanging out together - our conversations. I feel like the night was a slight letdown, but I don't know. It was my best new years in a long time, just because for the first time since 98 or so I was with friends, rather than family, and I always have the most fun among friends. Ah well.

I'm leaving in a few hours (practice at 1, leaving at 3pm) for Florida, and I'm excited about this training trip. I have a feeling it will hurt, but it will be filled with lasting memories too. I'm so glad I'm swimming this year. I never realized how much I missed it till I was back in the water, swimming fast, and hanging out with fellow swimmer/ friends. I feel like it's where I belong. Anyways, I need to pack and get my ass into bed pronto. Happy New Year everyone!