This may be my last blog till I get back from Jersey - so I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I have soo much work to do over break, and I'm wondering how much of it I'm really going to do... ah well. I hope everyone has a great time, eats a lot, and enjoys the time off!!! I know I will!

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I don't think that's an improvement...

Wow! Tonight Bella recorded our first song for our first cd. It was totally an awesome experience. We set up a little room, and we each went in and did our parts seperately, though those who doubled on a part went in together. We got to sing into this professional microphone, and wear headphones and listen to the song and hear everyone else who had recorded previously while we were singing. Kinda made me feel like a rock star or something, and I wasn't even singing on this song!! We recorded Goodbye to You, and I do the drum for this song (yay vocal percussion!). It was totally awesome, and I got to listen to it a little bit even though it wan't finished, and we sound amazing!! I can't wait till our cd comes out!! Everyone should get one!

Ok so I just realized that I have NO poems on here for this week! This is a problem that needs solving! Here goes:
Flutter flutter.
There goes my heart.
I think it skipped a beat.
I feel alive,
With this urge to leap
And dance
And sing.
Though the wind chills me
With his breath,
The sun warms me
With his rays,
And I remember to be
Thankful
For all the love
In my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I really feel loved now!! AJ wrote the sweetest thing about me on her page!! I love you girl! Can't wait till break!! We are totally going to teach these Fredericksburgians how to party! AJ's blog is britesunrise and you should check it out cause she's the coolest;) Anyways, this weekend was such a mad blast!!
For starters, Friday night was an open mic competition, in which dear Donovan placed third for his hilarious comedy act. That boy definately says things most people don't even dare to think. I was laughing sooooo hard - it was a great night.
Then Saturday we had our meet at Galluadet against them and York. We won - putting the women's team at 8-0!! Then we stopped in DC for a really nice dinner at this great restaurant, and I definately ate my quota of food for the month. Then our bus broke down in the middle on I95 right outside of Dale City. That was definately a little freaky, cause the cars were zooming by on either side like crazy - we were on a median between an exit and the highway. We were probably broken down for a little under an hour, and then we had to get on a rescue bus, which was another adventure to be certain...
Then Saturday night was one of the best nights in a really really really long time. I think it was the best party I've been to all year. I was heading over to Justin's, when I saw Mary Katherine and Cynthia and James and the girl whose name I can never remember (C- something...), so I picked them up and we headed over together. When I first got there it looked like it was going to be a shitty party because there was no alcohol yet and people were just sitting or standing around doing nothing. But then the keg came, and it was a good time! We danced, we drank, we laughed, and basically had sooo much fun. Rob came around 1:30 and he partied for a while, then he drove me and Emily back around 2:30ish. By the time we got back here I was having trouble standing, and there are some details about Saturday night that I'm lacking - but hey it was still a great time:) I wish every weekend was that much fun!

I am such a crack whore!! Ok not really, but this morning's been a little crazy! For some reason I was insanely hyper at weights, and everything was funny, especially Matteo - he's the funniest and coolest boy ever!!! And then breakfast was a whole nother story, where basically I should have just kept something over my mouth the whole time to prevent me from talking and sounding like and idiot. Haha, oh well. Now I've reached my low, and I'm about to fall out of my chair and sleep on the floor, so I'm going to bed! Peace!!!

Imood seems to be down this morning and its screwing up my page:-/ oh well - not that big of a deal. I paid my parking tickets last night, and I now have $13 or so left in my check book, and about $150 total assets. Gee the future is looking bleak. But that's not my immediate concern, I still have 2 poems to memorize before tomorrow, and another test in Finite today - yay for that! Oh! plus I scanned a few pictures from our Bella bash a few weeks ago, and they're now on my web page, so you should check them out:) I think it's time to get to work though - later!

One step closer to Thanksgiving break! We now have just a week left till break, and only 10 days of classes till finals!! It blows my mind how fast I've let this semester slip by. And it seems like I'm doing (yet again) exactly what I did first semester last year and all through high school - I start out the year on a bad note, and then realize that I need to get my act in gear and attempt to pull up my grades with like a week left. Yeah. Last year it hit me really hard because I was used to having another semester in the same class to improve my grades, and when December came around I realized how much of a slacked I'd been. This year I caught my slacking tendencies a little earlier, but too late to fix. Cause I'm a lot busier now, and I don't have the time necessary to dedicate to my studies. Which is funny, cause you would think that I go to college for the classes:)
Well it's about that time when I go crazy cause I'm trying to accomplish shit I should have started weeks ago in the span of a few days - wish me luck!!

So I finally broke down this morning and decided I don't want anymore tickets, and parked at the Battlegrouds. It's only a mile and a half from my dorm :-/ I hate it how someone always takes the parking space that I vacate when I go to work. The walk back wasn't actually that bad, it just sucked something major because it was 30 degrees. Yeah. And we all know how cold I get, especially my hands - and of course I couldn't find my gloves last night or this morning. I had on 3 layers, a t-shirt for the pool, a sweat shirt, and my big fur coat, plus I had a scarf wrapped around my head to keep my ears and neck warm - and I could totally feel every little breeze. I was soooo freezing!! A 20 minute walk is not a good idea this early in the morning - a jog is one thing cause the blood is pumping, but I couldn't exactly jog in all those layers holding my purse, mail, and water bottle. Or at least I could try, but it would look really funny.

I also got my bank statement, and somehow I have a lot less money than I thought I did. I only have about a hundred in my savings, which is the money with which I use to buy books, pay for car problems, and pay for school books. And I need spending money for Florida because I can't exactly not eat for 13 days.... This worries me slightly. I just keep thinking back to the $800+ that has gone up in flames in the past few months, and I get really sad, and really angry at myself for being such an idiot. I guess this is just how things go...

Today was a good day!!!!!!! Well, ok for the most part it was a pretty normal day, and it was sucking there for a while when I had to wait in the freezing cold for an hour.... but hey bygones - my money problems are looking slightly less bleak at the moment!! When the tow truck came, the driver was a mechanic and he totally fixed my car for me!! And to make things better, I called him through AAA so now I don't have to pay a dime!! yay! And then, my parents had left my credit card bill in my car last Friday, and of course I didn't want to get it to depress myself for the weekend. Today was the first time I'd been down to my car, and the bill is only like $40!!! I can actually afford to pay that, and my parking tickets!! And then I'll have money left over from my paycheck, so I might actually be able to buy people Christmas presents!! So yeah - yay for today!!!!!

So tired - i have to figure out when I'm going to get my car towed out of here, I'll need at least a few hours of free time cause I'll need to wait for the tow truck, then ride with him to my mechanic, then get a ride back from my parents (my mechanic is like 400 yards from my house). I might have time after practice today, I'll have to wait and see. I hope it's fixable, and that it doesn't cost too much. Cause I have NO money.

One thing that really sucks is that everyone I know goes out all the time and stuff to eat and get ice cream and to shop and all that. I did that last year too. Now I don't even have money in savings.... sad. I need to get my second (third?) job going soon, maybe over break I can get another job too, although that would seriously suck big time and I don't know who would hire me for just 2 weeks because I'm leaving for the training trip on Jan. 1st... oh well. Time to get back to work....

I can't help but feel the pressure
Pushing on my chest.
It's a heavy burden that I
Can't lay down to rest.

Not one thing is going smoothly
In my life these days-
All I know is that I've fucked up
In too many ways.

Now I'm clawing at this dead weight,
Hoping to get free,
But escape from past mistakes might
Cause the death of me...

So I just got back from Harry Potter, I really enjoyed it!! I thought the first one was better, but I also saw that one before I read the book, and with this one it was the other way around. Still it was totally hilarious, and I adored it. Right now I'm about to go out again, probably not a good idea due to my 3 hours of sleep last night and the fact that we have a meet tomorrow, but oh well I'm a glutton for punishment. This is going to be a fun/ busy weekend. I have a meet tomorrow at 1, then lisa and i are driving down to Tech cause Bella has our first away concert!! And of course we're partying down there, and then driving back the next morning.

So my car broke yet again this morning. I suppose it was only a matter of time before it happened, but still. I mean I put almost $700 into keeping that thing running this summer, and there it goes again.... Ugh. Well, it's not a huge problem this time at least. Just a coroded battery cable that needs replacing. And I'm glad that it died as I was scraping the windows, rather than when I was halfway to work. I didn't have to push it anywhere, to wait for any towtrucks, or any other crap like that which I've had to deal with in past instances of car trouble.

On another note, I think that Rob is the nicest boy ever and I definately don't deserve everything that he does for me. It's kinda crazy sometimes. I was having the worst day ever on Tuesday, and he surprised me by showing up here with cheesecake and flowers... I never have the time to reciprocate, and he doesn't seem to mind. Sometimes it even makes me feel kinda bad, cause I really haven't done anything to warrant this kind of care. But honestly it make me love him even more...

So right now I'm totally procrastinating on this whole brit lit take home. I have to read all of Paradise Lost by Milton, learn some terms, memorize some dates, and then sit my ass down for three hours and actually take the test. Wish me luck....

Another day in my life has passed, and I ask myself, what did I accomplish today? At least today I did do a few things, but yeah. I'm tired, and I'm going to take a short nap before Bella.

The one thing that I probably hate the most is crying in front of people. And today I was closer to bursting into tears after I left Spanish than I've been in a long time. Thank God it was raining. I think sometimes I expect too much from myself, andd maybe sometimes I expect too much from my professors, but today was horrible beyond expectation. I got lectured about my participation grade by one professor (not due to my actual participation of course, which is excellent because I always speak up in class, ?), and slapped in the face with a horrible grade on a huge paper by another. I don't understand anymore. What I do know is this - I'm not double majoring, and from now on I refuse to take more than 4 classes a semester. Even if they're all easy. Because the amount of time I will have saved by not being in class for 3 hours will be worth it. Who knows, maybe I'll actually find the time to study. I'll be able to graduate in 4 years no problem, I'm already way ahead of most sophomores when it comes to getting entrenched in major classes. So yeah, that's all I have to say about today. It really sucked, and I can't go to bed yet and cry about it because I absolutely have to study/ read for my brit lit take home...

So in looking for some files this morning, I found this poem. It's rather interesting. It was an assignment for my AP Lit class in 12th grade, where we had to take a poem and rewrite it using the same words, but making it into a completely different poem. I think I was mentally disturbed in high school....

2-6-01

Over the edge

A hundred dark trees in the north and
slopes with snow in the distance and
sweat and spit and snow and the trees.
The sweat froze on One,
One looked about, and ran.
One working afraid with sweat,
One over the edge
growing fat and afraid with sweat.
Snowflakes trail down, down
on the canyon
over the edge.
Someone stopped between
the One of sweat and the trees and the snow.
Someone fat and afraid,
a hollow shell.
A stomach and a heart and ribs
on the branches
pulled from Someone fat and afraid and
over the edge.
A hollow shell and
a hundred dark trees in the north and
snowy slopes and crowded trees and
Someone afraid.

Ok, I realize that I'm a big dork because I have an online diary and I like to ramble daily about shit that nobody really cares about, but I do know that at least somebody reads my rantings cause I've had a lot of freaking visits to this site (seeing as how it's not really an important one...). And it would be really nice if you one of you visitors (sister dear!) could just sign the guestbook to let me know that you stopped in, and tell me how stupid/ psycho/ insanely intelligent i am. Thanks:)

I feel like singing today; not sure why but I'm just in one of those moods. I'm so excited about next weekend though. Cause Bella is going to Tech to sing in a concert, and it's our first time doing something like this. We had an extra rehearsal last night, and during Goodbye to You we sounded AMAZING!! So all of you MWC people need to come see us at our concert here on December 5th in Monroe 104!!! But yeah, I just really feel like singing, and dancing around outside in the rain. It's thundering and lightninging outside, and I ADORE storms. We never get them in the fall or winter usually, so this is an awesome treat!! I wrote a poem about storms once, way back in elementary school. It's way corny, but hey I was like 9 years old, and at least I understood how to write using meter and rhyme, without knowing the logistics behind them. If I find the poem I'll post it later today... not sure where it is right now and I dont think it's on my website, oh well it's time for a quick nap....

What an interesting weekend. Here's the recap: Friday night; after practice Lisa-Marie and I got together to arrange Just a Girl by No Doubt cause we really want to sing it in Bella. After fussing with it forever, we realized how much easier it would be if we started with sheet music, so we wouldn't be guessing at the key and the beat... So I'm going to try to find it online. But after that we went back to her apartment cause Amanda invited a whole bunch of us swimteam girls over to watch Harry Potter and polish off her bottle of wine... That was definately a good time:) Then Rob picked me up and I stayed the night at his house... Things are definately going well between us. It's so strange, but we get along better now than we did when we were dating... But yeah, so Saturday I had practice in the morning, then the girl's team went to IHOP cause the boys had a meet but we didn't, then we came back to watch the meet - Lisa and Stiffler and I sang the National Anthem again, and after the meet was the 3rd annual boys team vs. girls team keg race. Definately an interesting time!! The boys won this year, but not by much, and in all honesty it was probably due to our ghetto tap, it was like all foam and it broke twice, other than that we didn't stop for a second. In fact, we had several girls doing keg stands waaaaay longer than any of the guys. It was a mad blast. Then we partied forever after that, with fun dancing and drinking games and etc - it was a great night:) Rob came to the party for a little while cause there were some people that I wanted him to meet, then we left and went to eat at Friday's, then we went back to his house. And i actually got to sleep all night:) So it was a good weekend, definately interesting, and definately good.

Today was not a good day. I'm incredibly pissed about my spanish test, which was way different from the first one, which i studied off of. Then my finite professor totally held class over, making me late to practice. And I didn't have time to eat lunch. All I have to say is grrrr.

So I'm procrastinating something awful right now, I have a huge Spanish test at 12:30 that i basically need an A on, and of course I started studying this morning and I haven't gotten very far at all.... Sigh. I just hate studying. I feel like I should be able to go to class, learn the shit, and that's it. No extra time of my own, not like I have any....
I took some survey this morning about motivation, and it was funny cause at the end there were some demographic questions.... and I just had to laugh at my answers: the first one asked if I did a sport and how many hours a week I did it; and i figured about 25 hours for swimming (that includes locker room time of course); the next one asked if I did other extracurriculars like clubs and how many hours I spent a week on that, and I figured about 7 if you count Bella, debate, and HC (more depending on trials and extra rehearsals); and then if I had a job and how many hours I spent a week doing that; and that's 4 hours but about 6 if you count driving time. So if you add all that up it comes to 38 hours, a week only has 168 hours, and if you take out 42 hours for sleeping (@ 6 hrs a night), and 15 hours for classes, that leaves 73 hours, and take out eating time (i love to eat) which is about 15 hours and that leaves about 58 hours. I guess that seems like a lot, but then there's also church on the weekends, partying on the weekends (which takes at least 6 hours if not more) shower time, dressing time, walking time, etc, and when you come down to it I probably have like 10 free hours a week. And people wonder why I don't do homework.... And also the time I spend blogging and procrastinating like right now:) lol - back to the books i guess...

Just another little metaphorical poem about my life. I'm feeling slightly melancholic today, and incredibly overwhelmed and painfully numb. All for different reasons of course, that I don't really feel like bitching about. Someone asked me yesterday why I'm always smiling, why I always seem so happy. I suppose that my answer to that is: take a look at me now.

I live in a house of glass.
The walls became cracked
And the glass grew holes.
I tried to fill in the holes with sand.
But it just poured out the other side,
Scattering accross the Earth.
I must have made a mistake,
Trying to fill my holes with sand.
And now I search for something
stronger and permanent.
Something that will not blow away
And be swept out to the sea
With the rising of the tide.

Another monday, another rainy fall day where I'm unable to fully appreciate the fall foliage... sigh. So I never actually said much about this weekend - and I probably should because it was a mad blast. First of all, we had meets on Friday and Saturday, and we won both!! And I'm doing pretty well, not as well as I would like, but I think I'm expecting too much. I mean I'm swimming right near my best times EVER, and that's not too damn bad. Of course my best times ever aren't fast, but they're like 4 years old and it feels great to be back down there again. Saturday night was insane. First, I hung out at Lisa-Marie, Jen, Amanda, and Dave's apartment for a kind of pre-party. That was a definate blast, and we all got pretty darn tipsy there. Then we went to some friend of Dave's apartment in Greenbriar, and played some drinking games there like fuck the dealer. FYI - any card game involving the word fuck and alcohol is not a good idea. haha. So yeah, we drank a whole bunch more there. Then we went to Justin' house, which wasn't really a party but rather a gathering of friends. And we drank some more there. I fell on my ass outside and scraped up my elbow, and did some crazy drunk dancing. And laughed a lot. It was definate fun. Lisa and I decided that we have to do it again, soon. So yeah - that was my night basically summed up. Started drinking around 8:30, and got back to my room around 2:30. That's the way all weekends should go:)

So yeah, um, about last night. I think I am a whore now.... lol. Oh well. Cause I definately didn't sleep alone last night... So now here I am, Sunday night, reflecting on my weekend, and thinking HOLY SHIT. Cause that's what kind of a weekend it was.... And those are really the only words that I have. Oh my. If you want the whole story you'll just have to IM me and ask me for it, or call me cause I tell stories much better over the phone or in person... And this is definately a story worth telling. Many times. Haha. No I'm not a lunatic, but yeah. Last night (this morning actually) was just indescribable on here. Cause either I'd have to heavily edit using mad euphemisms, or I just wouldn't be able to accurately explain myself and leave you screaming WHY? WHY? and ripping your hair out (because I know you care THAT much about my soap opera life..;) But dear me - I seem to have taken my already far-too-complicated life and made it waaaaaay more complicated. And I can't figure out if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But I do know one thing - it was a wonderful night. And I wouldn't ever take back anything that happened...

wow i'm really trashed right about now. and sad cause i don't have anyone to sleep with tonight. I suppose if i acted more like a whore i probably would, but i just don't do that. so yeah - bed time by myself is crappy:(

Still friend sick, wishing that I were in Cali going on fucking quests w/ AJ, or in Ohio clubbing on the flats w/ Linds... or even down in Newport, sitting on my ass in my sis's apartment cause it's too cold for the beach. Sigh.

I was updating my site the other day, and I saw this poem. It has a fall feeling to it, even though I wrote it in the Winter. But yeah I thought it kinda fit the season, and it's a different type of poem than the other ones that I've been posting lately. It has nothing to do with my current state of mind - but it's all good:)

Alone

Leaves rustle quietly,
Loudly around the place
where I am sitting
with myself.
I am thinking quietly,
Loudly about my thoughts
in this place where I am sitting
completely alone with myself.
Tell me what the leaves are
thinking quietly, loudly,
about me and myself.
About me and the leaves,
Quiet, Alone, Together.

(2-27-2000)

Poetry