What is "Fair"?
Yesterday, I had to sit around for 2 hours and listen to a friend of mine complaining that something wasn't "fair". I wanted to scream, to smack her accross the head for being stupid, to get up on my soapbox and preach about the true meaning of "fair".
But I didn't, because I'm a good friend. I listened, consoled, and attempted to convince her that not everything in this life is supposed to go her way, that she can't have complete and utter control over everything and everyone. Did my words get through to her? Probably not.
And so it got me started thinking about fairness. I just read AJs blog, and it reminded me of why I stopped paying attention to politics. The US is one big unfair meanie when it comes to international politics. Debate helped me realize this last year, and now I'm so dissillusioned with out government that I can't stand to hear about some of the idiot things that we do. We are never fair, and for the most part we care only about our own interests. We are selfish.
And I use the term "we" because, even though you and I are not government officials, we live in this country, we vote (or at least have the right to), and therefore no matter what our ideologies or personal beliefs, we support our government. We pay taxes. If we truly wanted to not support the government, we would leave the country. And that is my belief. So even though I am not by any means a fan of Bush or of his policies, I'm still an American, I'm not actively trying to oust him from office, so I must support him.
Now I know that this logic doesn't actually flow. But it's an outsiders perspective of us - the US citizens. And outside of this country, that's where life REALLY isn't fair. People die from stupid diseases all the time. Government corruption and dictators and bandits and militia kill innocents, even children. So everytime I hear someone whine about how something isn't "fair", privately I shake my head and think, you have no idea.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
An Utter Lack of Deep Thoughts
Yeah, there's no room for introspection in my brain today. It's snowing outside. We're supposed to get 1 - 3 inches of accumulation by tomorrow. Wow. And I keep forgetting that my sled is at home.
I made a step in the right direction today. I talked to my Newsgathering professor about internships at the Free-Lance Star. So maybe I will have a real job this semester. I hope so. I also printed out an application for Parks and Rec, cause old habbits die hard and teaching really isn't that bad of a job and it pays twice what I would get anywhere else.
I don't think I have any more thoughts for today. I'm too tired really to think, except I think I should consider going to bed earlier. Sigh.
Yeah, there's no room for introspection in my brain today. It's snowing outside. We're supposed to get 1 - 3 inches of accumulation by tomorrow. Wow. And I keep forgetting that my sled is at home.
I made a step in the right direction today. I talked to my Newsgathering professor about internships at the Free-Lance Star. So maybe I will have a real job this semester. I hope so. I also printed out an application for Parks and Rec, cause old habbits die hard and teaching really isn't that bad of a job and it pays twice what I would get anywhere else.
I don't think I have any more thoughts for today. I'm too tired really to think, except I think I should consider going to bed earlier. Sigh.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Another day, just breathe.
Life beats on in minutes, seconds, hours, decades...
And we all just keep plugging along.
There are some who stop to ponder,
There are some who watch the rest scramble by,
And here I am, stuck in the middle.
The true definition of indecision?
A true indecisive will never decide.
Hindsight is always 20-20,
But life should be lived without regrets.
The proverbs and cliches tell us how to live,
But following the silver trail in the black ocean
Just somehow seems my inevitable path.
Sometimes it's clear and vivid like the empty sky itself.
Sometimes it's choppy, broken by wake and wind and waves.
And sometimes it dissappears,
Leaving me wandering aimlessly,
Praying for the pallid light and path to return.
And sometimes I see it, but I turn the other way.
I wander into the blackness
As time ticks predictably by.
Another minute, another second, another lifetime.
Just breathe
Monday, January 27, 2003
A sorta Fairytale...
Bienvenido a mi vida... Yeah anyways. I didn't get a ticket today! Definately cause for rejoicing. And we are officially into taper, I can smell the end of the swim season - it's almost here!! Well actually, I can't really Smell it persay, cause actually it will be characterized by a Lack of smell - no more chlorine!! Well maybe some, yeah I know I still work at a pool and I'll probably still be swimming every now and then so my muscles don't atrophy and so I don't gain 480387429487 lbs, but anyways let me have my dumb cliches!
Ok now I'm just ranting. Time for the madness to stop.
Bienvenido a mi vida... Yeah anyways. I didn't get a ticket today! Definately cause for rejoicing. And we are officially into taper, I can smell the end of the swim season - it's almost here!! Well actually, I can't really Smell it persay, cause actually it will be characterized by a Lack of smell - no more chlorine!! Well maybe some, yeah I know I still work at a pool and I'll probably still be swimming every now and then so my muscles don't atrophy and so I don't gain 480387429487 lbs, but anyways let me have my dumb cliches!
Ok now I'm just ranting. Time for the madness to stop.
It is freezing outside!! The wind chill is 5 degrees. I'm pretty sure that it's NOT supposed to be that cold in Virginia, ever!!
Right now I'm parked illegally, cause of course when I got back from work the lot was full. Every five seconds I run to the window and check the parking lot to see if there's a cop so I can jo down and move my car or if there's an empty space.
Ok, now the wind chill is -2 degrees. HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that's why I didn't park at the Battlegrounds this morning. Walking over a mile in cold like that??? I think not. Especially with wet clothes (the hazards of working at a pool).
Hopefully I won't get another ticket, cause if I do I have NO money to pay it at all. Oh well. Shit happens.
Right now I'm parked illegally, cause of course when I got back from work the lot was full. Every five seconds I run to the window and check the parking lot to see if there's a cop so I can jo down and move my car or if there's an empty space.
Ok, now the wind chill is -2 degrees. HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that's why I didn't park at the Battlegrounds this morning. Walking over a mile in cold like that??? I think not. Especially with wet clothes (the hazards of working at a pool).
Hopefully I won't get another ticket, cause if I do I have NO money to pay it at all. Oh well. Shit happens.
Sunday, January 26, 2003
The superbowl is a killer.
Like last year, I really didn't know who I was cheering for. I'm nuetral about both teams. But I can't help but feel bad for the Raiders, or I guess the losing teams in general. It's sad seeing grown men cry.
Well, enough of that.
I had a good weekend. It caused me to get a little introspective, which I suppose is a good thing at times. But of course, it makes me think about my shortcomings, and there are so many that it's a little depressing.
Or maybe it's just that it's Sunday night, I have to get up in 6 hours, and the upcoming week is looking busy and stressful.
Maybe that's it.
Like last year, I really didn't know who I was cheering for. I'm nuetral about both teams. But I can't help but feel bad for the Raiders, or I guess the losing teams in general. It's sad seeing grown men cry.
Well, enough of that.
I had a good weekend. It caused me to get a little introspective, which I suppose is a good thing at times. But of course, it makes me think about my shortcomings, and there are so many that it's a little depressing.
Or maybe it's just that it's Sunday night, I have to get up in 6 hours, and the upcoming week is looking busy and stressful.
Maybe that's it.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
The Breath of God?
This afternoon's practice wasn't going very well. Whenever the whole team is in the water, for some reason it stirs up some chemicals and makes it difficult to breathe, and the majority of us begin hacking every time we come up for air.
Unfortunately, I'm usually one of the first afflicted with this dreadful coughing. It keeps me awake late at night, coughing into my pillow, trying not to wake up the entire dorm and trying not to eject my lungs out of my body.
So today, when the whole team started sounding like a bunch of lifetime smokers, coach opened up the pool doors; all 6 or 7 of them. That helped a little, but not enough.
Then, in the middle of a difficult set, a wave of steam poured over the deep end. He'd opened the sliding glass doors to the outside, for just a minute. The air rushing in had a wind chill of about 10 degrees (right now it's at 5). I gasped in the air, litterally sucking it in as fast as I could. When we reached the other end, the whole team was abuzz.
Me: That was so amazing! I can't even describe how amazing that air felt!
Pris: I know man
Me: Seriously, I don't have any words. It was just... It was so..
Pris: It was like God was breathing into your mouth.
Me: Exactly!!!
Well that was one of the coolest things I've ever heard anyone say, and probably one of the most appropriate too. There is absolutely no other way to describe the sensation of suddenly being able to breathe.
Who knew swimming would teach me to appreciate the little things in life? A little fresh air goes a long way I guess.
This afternoon's practice wasn't going very well. Whenever the whole team is in the water, for some reason it stirs up some chemicals and makes it difficult to breathe, and the majority of us begin hacking every time we come up for air.
Unfortunately, I'm usually one of the first afflicted with this dreadful coughing. It keeps me awake late at night, coughing into my pillow, trying not to wake up the entire dorm and trying not to eject my lungs out of my body.
So today, when the whole team started sounding like a bunch of lifetime smokers, coach opened up the pool doors; all 6 or 7 of them. That helped a little, but not enough.
Then, in the middle of a difficult set, a wave of steam poured over the deep end. He'd opened the sliding glass doors to the outside, for just a minute. The air rushing in had a wind chill of about 10 degrees (right now it's at 5). I gasped in the air, litterally sucking it in as fast as I could. When we reached the other end, the whole team was abuzz.
Me: That was so amazing! I can't even describe how amazing that air felt!
Pris: I know man
Me: Seriously, I don't have any words. It was just... It was so..
Pris: It was like God was breathing into your mouth.
Me: Exactly!!!
Well that was one of the coolest things I've ever heard anyone say, and probably one of the most appropriate too. There is absolutely no other way to describe the sensation of suddenly being able to breathe.
Who knew swimming would teach me to appreciate the little things in life? A little fresh air goes a long way I guess.
Wanted: Cajones
I am such a wimp sometimes. I wish that I had the gift of a free tongue, and the ability to put into words what bothers me to those that actually need to hear it. But I don't, so I sit here bitching to no one in particular about problems that I could easily fix if I just grew some balls.
Maybe steroids will work, they make women more manly, right?
Here's the deal: Last night, it's after 12, and I'm falling asleep.
Giggle giggle. No way!
I jolt back to reality with the sound of my roomate talking on her cell phone with her boyfriend. I think he must monopolize the conversations, cause she doesn't say much. But every 3, 4 minutes or so when she does get in a few words, they are loud. This goes on for an hour. Why!!!!!
I am one of the most non-confrontational people I know. I hate it. Actually, hate is not a strong enough word. I abhor it. But I'm sure my roommate doesn't mean any harm. She's such a little, quiet person. She just has some habbits that I find incredibly inconsiderate, and I can't seem to find the words to mention this.
Maybe I should take some assertion classes or something. Like I have the time.
Oh well. I guess that if it starts to bother me enough, I will say something. I just don't want to be one of THOSE people. You know, the bitchy ones.
I am such a wimp sometimes. I wish that I had the gift of a free tongue, and the ability to put into words what bothers me to those that actually need to hear it. But I don't, so I sit here bitching to no one in particular about problems that I could easily fix if I just grew some balls.
Maybe steroids will work, they make women more manly, right?
Here's the deal: Last night, it's after 12, and I'm falling asleep.
Giggle giggle. No way!
I jolt back to reality with the sound of my roomate talking on her cell phone with her boyfriend. I think he must monopolize the conversations, cause she doesn't say much. But every 3, 4 minutes or so when she does get in a few words, they are loud. This goes on for an hour. Why!!!!!
I am one of the most non-confrontational people I know. I hate it. Actually, hate is not a strong enough word. I abhor it. But I'm sure my roommate doesn't mean any harm. She's such a little, quiet person. She just has some habbits that I find incredibly inconsiderate, and I can't seem to find the words to mention this.
Maybe I should take some assertion classes or something. Like I have the time.
Oh well. I guess that if it starts to bother me enough, I will say something. I just don't want to be one of THOSE people. You know, the bitchy ones.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
This morning was a gift- from hell.
And the snow that's falling constantly, a blessing or a curse?
Either way, it's not helping to lighten my mood like it usually does. Why am I so grumpy? After all, it's still before 10 am. Most sane people aren't even awake yet. Well I've been up since 5:30, for work. But I never made it. Because I went outside in the freezing temperatures, to find one of my tires completely flat. Completely and totally. I've seen this happen to many many cars in my parking lot. Is this a joke? I don't think it's funny.
So I need my car, I have a lot of errands to run. And I'm not about to change my tire by myself in the snow. So I call AAA. It's about 6:15 by now, after I've already called my father to tell him I'll be missing work. They tell me the tow truck should come within the hour. That gives me till 7:15, and with an 8:00 class that's cutting it close, but I figure it shouldn't take that long. I mean how many people need tow trucks at 6 am? So I go inside and pass out on the couch in the lobby, waiting for a call to let me know the truck is almost here. And I wake up several times to check the clock. 6:30, 6:45, 7:00... where is the damn tow truck??? I call around 7:15, and wait on hold for 5 minutes. AAA tells me the tow truck company will call me back. A few minutes later, they call - and tell me the driver is "right around the corner". Five minutes later, they call again. Where exactly is this parking lot?
Right.
So I tell them, again. And wait another 5 minutes. Finally, the guy shows up. And my spare is soft. That's ok, I figured he'd have an air compressor. After all, he's going to change a tire right? Aren't air compressors handy? But no. So here I am, it's 7:45, I have class in 15 minutes all the way accorss campus in the farthest possible building, and I still have a flat tire. AND I got up at 5:30, and made no money cause I didn't go to work.
Sorry to bitch so much, but honestly. This morning sucked.
But I have nice friends that like to cheer me up. Thanks Jason:)
And the snow that's falling constantly, a blessing or a curse?
Either way, it's not helping to lighten my mood like it usually does. Why am I so grumpy? After all, it's still before 10 am. Most sane people aren't even awake yet. Well I've been up since 5:30, for work. But I never made it. Because I went outside in the freezing temperatures, to find one of my tires completely flat. Completely and totally. I've seen this happen to many many cars in my parking lot. Is this a joke? I don't think it's funny.
So I need my car, I have a lot of errands to run. And I'm not about to change my tire by myself in the snow. So I call AAA. It's about 6:15 by now, after I've already called my father to tell him I'll be missing work. They tell me the tow truck should come within the hour. That gives me till 7:15, and with an 8:00 class that's cutting it close, but I figure it shouldn't take that long. I mean how many people need tow trucks at 6 am? So I go inside and pass out on the couch in the lobby, waiting for a call to let me know the truck is almost here. And I wake up several times to check the clock. 6:30, 6:45, 7:00... where is the damn tow truck??? I call around 7:15, and wait on hold for 5 minutes. AAA tells me the tow truck company will call me back. A few minutes later, they call - and tell me the driver is "right around the corner". Five minutes later, they call again. Where exactly is this parking lot?
Right.
So I tell them, again. And wait another 5 minutes. Finally, the guy shows up. And my spare is soft. That's ok, I figured he'd have an air compressor. After all, he's going to change a tire right? Aren't air compressors handy? But no. So here I am, it's 7:45, I have class in 15 minutes all the way accorss campus in the farthest possible building, and I still have a flat tire. AND I got up at 5:30, and made no money cause I didn't go to work.
Sorry to bitch so much, but honestly. This morning sucked.
But I have nice friends that like to cheer me up. Thanks Jason:)
Monday, January 20, 2003
Ok Rachel, Thank you for making me feel like the procrastinator and underacheiver that I am!!! I wish I was getting things done, I wish that every five minutes I didn't say, oh I can do this later. But I do, and then I want to shoot myself for it later. I suppose maybe when I'm a year older I'll have gained some semblance of responsibility. I just wonder how Rach attained hers. Good job, elder sister. You're doing well at collecting those pebbles in the road less taken.
So I'm back into life with a smack.
At least that's what it feels like. Getting up for morning practice was rather difficult. Possibly cause I only got 5 hours of sleep. Sigh. I still haven't bought my books yet, I had to wait until I got my bank statement, cause I really wasn't sure how much money I had. But thankfully, that finally came - and I balanced my checkbook. I have enough to pay for my credit card bill, and I guess I'll put my books on the card, so that when the next bill comes I'll have another month or two to make money. Sigh. Why can't education be free? I know I know, that was a rhetorical question.
I took a test on emode called "Why are you still single?" The answer was something I've known for a long time, I'm afraid to committ. If you haven't joined emode, you really should - cause the tests are rather interesting.
We lost our first meet on Saturday. It was very sad. Well, the boys won, they beat Gettyburg for the first time ever, but we lost at home for the first time (not sure if that's an "ever" though, it may just be the first time in a while). I did ok, my first swim was bad but I made up for that on the other one. I kind of feel worthless to the team though, cause I'm still an exhibition swimmer, and I have a feeling I'll stay that way right through conferences. I don't realy mind, I didn't have big expectations cause I was never really fast and I took over a year off; but I sometimes worry that because I'm not needed, I'm not wanted. Well - these are probably unfounded fears, but oh well.
And I realize I'm skipping around a lot right now, but I'm tired, and I'm waiting for my roommate to leave so I can take a nap. This no class till 1pm thing is awesome, and it's going to rock even more after the swim season is over. For this week at least, though, I still have to get up at 5:30 every morning, I'm still working and we still have morning practice.
Ah well, Yay for rambling, now it's naptime.
At least that's what it feels like. Getting up for morning practice was rather difficult. Possibly cause I only got 5 hours of sleep. Sigh. I still haven't bought my books yet, I had to wait until I got my bank statement, cause I really wasn't sure how much money I had. But thankfully, that finally came - and I balanced my checkbook. I have enough to pay for my credit card bill, and I guess I'll put my books on the card, so that when the next bill comes I'll have another month or two to make money. Sigh. Why can't education be free? I know I know, that was a rhetorical question.
I took a test on emode called "Why are you still single?" The answer was something I've known for a long time, I'm afraid to committ. If you haven't joined emode, you really should - cause the tests are rather interesting.
We lost our first meet on Saturday. It was very sad. Well, the boys won, they beat Gettyburg for the first time ever, but we lost at home for the first time (not sure if that's an "ever" though, it may just be the first time in a while). I did ok, my first swim was bad but I made up for that on the other one. I kind of feel worthless to the team though, cause I'm still an exhibition swimmer, and I have a feeling I'll stay that way right through conferences. I don't realy mind, I didn't have big expectations cause I was never really fast and I took over a year off; but I sometimes worry that because I'm not needed, I'm not wanted. Well - these are probably unfounded fears, but oh well.
And I realize I'm skipping around a lot right now, but I'm tired, and I'm waiting for my roommate to leave so I can take a nap. This no class till 1pm thing is awesome, and it's going to rock even more after the swim season is over. For this week at least, though, I still have to get up at 5:30 every morning, I'm still working and we still have morning practice.
Ah well, Yay for rambling, now it's naptime.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
First week (well half-week) of classes is over. And that horrible, overwhelming feeling is only beginning to descend upon me. At least it's not here yet though; cause i think that would just be really sad. But yeah - there is an overwhelming amount of activity that is going to be taking over my life for the next month, and after Valentine's Day weekend - I will be able to breathe. Finally. I can't wait.
Saturday, January 18, 2003
I LOVE this mixed cd that AJ made for my bday. I love all of the songs on it, thank you girlie!! Today was an interesting day. I'm not really in the mood to type about it right now, but maybe another time. I kind of just feel like laying down and reading my book. But I have a meet tomorrow so I should probably go to bed I guess. I dunno. But yeah, ok, I'm feeling lazy...
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Thank God for friends!!
I just read AJ's blog, I was catching up on all of the time that I missed while in Florida (I really feel like I dropped off the face of the earth for 2 week), and I'm so happy that we're such good friends. She made the salient point that being apart for long periods of time hardly seems to affect our friendship, and looking at our history I would have to agree:)
At home yesterday, I finally pulled out the diary I started writing in first grade. I haven't looked at it in years. Back in 92, when I was 9 years old, I started making lists of who my friends were, how much of my friend each person was, and why. It was enlightening reading, since most of the people I wrote about I'd forgetten even existed. This continued on for a while, and I also wrote about what boys I was in love with and why. I found an interesting pattern to; whenever I was enamored with someone, it was always for a long time. As in, at least 2 years. I don't get over crushes easily. I'd always wondered why my first-ever relationship (with Robbie) has lasted so long when most people have at least a few short ones. I guess this kind of shows why. I don't become infatuated easily, so when I fall, it's for however long that person stays in at least my peripheral, or till I decide that he's really a big jerk.
But back on the friendship vein, I wrote that AJ was one of my best friends in 93, when I was in fifth grade. That was 10 years ago. It's good to know that we really can stand the test of time and distance.
(Sorry about being so corny, but I'm sleepy, it's nap time, and I always get slightly melodramatic when I'm tired.)
I just read AJ's blog, I was catching up on all of the time that I missed while in Florida (I really feel like I dropped off the face of the earth for 2 week), and I'm so happy that we're such good friends. She made the salient point that being apart for long periods of time hardly seems to affect our friendship, and looking at our history I would have to agree:)
At home yesterday, I finally pulled out the diary I started writing in first grade. I haven't looked at it in years. Back in 92, when I was 9 years old, I started making lists of who my friends were, how much of my friend each person was, and why. It was enlightening reading, since most of the people I wrote about I'd forgetten even existed. This continued on for a while, and I also wrote about what boys I was in love with and why. I found an interesting pattern to; whenever I was enamored with someone, it was always for a long time. As in, at least 2 years. I don't get over crushes easily. I'd always wondered why my first-ever relationship (with Robbie) has lasted so long when most people have at least a few short ones. I guess this kind of shows why. I don't become infatuated easily, so when I fall, it's for however long that person stays in at least my peripheral, or till I decide that he's really a big jerk.
But back on the friendship vein, I wrote that AJ was one of my best friends in 93, when I was in fifth grade. That was 10 years ago. It's good to know that we really can stand the test of time and distance.
(Sorry about being so corny, but I'm sleepy, it's nap time, and I always get slightly melodramatic when I'm tired.)
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
I'm back!!! Relaxing here at school, in front of my computer, waiting for classes to start tomorrow!! Today is Michelle's birthday, but she's taking me out cause she wanted to:) haha. It should be fun I hope. I have a lot of things to do today, and I have what will be a very painful practice at 2:00, but yeah - I am so glad to be home. However, I am really missing the beach. On the way there, as we passed by the ever-increasing number of palm trees and as the weather warmed to the point of tank tops and shorts, I had to sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I'd taken that full ride to the U of Florida. I wouldn't have any of the money issues that have been plaguing me and my family, but at the same time I wouldn't have any of the friends that I've made. And even though this year has brought me a lot of heartache, I do think that I'm truly happy here, I just wish that logistically everything would work out as I'd like it to - that Lindsay was still here, that I have enough scholarship money to not worry about if I'll still be here in a year, that my grades would be better, and I could probably go on for ages.
But I know that's not the way the world works.
But I know that's not the way the world works.
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
Happy New Year!!!!
I am really looking forward to this year. For all of the rough times that I know lie ahead, I'm positive that I will make it through them and that I will manage to enjoy myself this year. I used to make resolutions back in high school. I think I may have a few now, too. And maybe I'll keep these - I've had mixed success in the past, some I've kept, some I haven't, and some I ended up not wanting to keep (like the year i resolved to stay away from a certain boy -even though i was still in love with him- because he kept breaking my heart, but then we ended up getting really close again and i decided i didn't need to keep that particular resolution- ps i probably should have but oh well). But yeah - for 2003: I'm going to work harder in school and attempt to remember that I'm there to learn and not just to have fun. I'm going to do a better job managing my finances and seeing to it that i can continue my education. I'm going to keep swimming over the summer so that I can continue to improve next year. I'm going to get a real job where you actually wear clothes. I'm going to attempt to beat the procrastination bug out of myself by any means necessary.
I don't think these resolutions will be too hard to keep.
On another note, tonight was my last night with AJ - and I had a good time though I wonder now whether I should have just stayed in with her, had daquari's and watched dvd's. Because we didn't get to talk much, and that's what's best about hanging out together - our conversations. I feel like the night was a slight letdown, but I don't know. It was my best new years in a long time, just because for the first time since 98 or so I was with friends, rather than family, and I always have the most fun among friends. Ah well.
I'm leaving in a few hours (practice at 1, leaving at 3pm) for Florida, and I'm excited about this training trip. I have a feeling it will hurt, but it will be filled with lasting memories too. I'm so glad I'm swimming this year. I never realized how much I missed it till I was back in the water, swimming fast, and hanging out with fellow swimmer/ friends. I feel like it's where I belong. Anyways, I need to pack and get my ass into bed pronto. Happy New Year everyone!
I am really looking forward to this year. For all of the rough times that I know lie ahead, I'm positive that I will make it through them and that I will manage to enjoy myself this year. I used to make resolutions back in high school. I think I may have a few now, too. And maybe I'll keep these - I've had mixed success in the past, some I've kept, some I haven't, and some I ended up not wanting to keep (like the year i resolved to stay away from a certain boy -even though i was still in love with him- because he kept breaking my heart, but then we ended up getting really close again and i decided i didn't need to keep that particular resolution- ps i probably should have but oh well). But yeah - for 2003: I'm going to work harder in school and attempt to remember that I'm there to learn and not just to have fun. I'm going to do a better job managing my finances and seeing to it that i can continue my education. I'm going to keep swimming over the summer so that I can continue to improve next year. I'm going to get a real job where you actually wear clothes. I'm going to attempt to beat the procrastination bug out of myself by any means necessary.
I don't think these resolutions will be too hard to keep.
On another note, tonight was my last night with AJ - and I had a good time though I wonder now whether I should have just stayed in with her, had daquari's and watched dvd's. Because we didn't get to talk much, and that's what's best about hanging out together - our conversations. I feel like the night was a slight letdown, but I don't know. It was my best new years in a long time, just because for the first time since 98 or so I was with friends, rather than family, and I always have the most fun among friends. Ah well.
I'm leaving in a few hours (practice at 1, leaving at 3pm) for Florida, and I'm excited about this training trip. I have a feeling it will hurt, but it will be filled with lasting memories too. I'm so glad I'm swimming this year. I never realized how much I missed it till I was back in the water, swimming fast, and hanging out with fellow swimmer/ friends. I feel like it's where I belong. Anyways, I need to pack and get my ass into bed pronto. Happy New Year everyone!
Friday, December 27, 2002
Again, with the interesting time of year junk....
Last night I pulled out all of my old diaries from high school and started reading them, beginning with the August before my freshman year. That was back in 97. I was a very interesting child, I suppose I still am, haha. I think I may start posting a few of those entries on here, when I have time and liesure - they give an insight on how my mind worked, and still works in some respects, and also I was much freer with my words because it was meant for my eyes only. It was also interesting to see that my writing style has changed very little too. Even back then I wrote using big words and elevated, even poetic diction at times. That's just the way I am. I see I have yet to receive a response from yesterdays pissed off blog, lol, I guess I should realize not to expect one, but still there's always that little hope that maybe I'll get through to people. I think it's way past my bedtime, so as soon as I finish talking to my sister and acting as advisor to my dear friend Rob (different one), I shall collapse like a tent in a hurricane. Buenas noches:)
Last night I pulled out all of my old diaries from high school and started reading them, beginning with the August before my freshman year. That was back in 97. I was a very interesting child, I suppose I still am, haha. I think I may start posting a few of those entries on here, when I have time and liesure - they give an insight on how my mind worked, and still works in some respects, and also I was much freer with my words because it was meant for my eyes only. It was also interesting to see that my writing style has changed very little too. Even back then I wrote using big words and elevated, even poetic diction at times. That's just the way I am. I see I have yet to receive a response from yesterdays pissed off blog, lol, I guess I should realize not to expect one, but still there's always that little hope that maybe I'll get through to people. I think it's way past my bedtime, so as soon as I finish talking to my sister and acting as advisor to my dear friend Rob (different one), I shall collapse like a tent in a hurricane. Buenas noches:)
Thursday, December 26, 2002
I think this is a very interesting time of year.
For some reason - people feel obliged to tie up loose ends, make amends for past wrongs committed, etc. I have been the victim of one of these attempts today, and it has left me in a rather sour mood - which is rather unfortunate seeing as how it's Christmas and all. But here's my response to this pitiful attempt at a "Happy Holidays" gesture, doubtful that it will ever be read by he-who-thinks-i'm-fake, but oh well at least it's out there now:
I do not play with people intentionally, ever. Honesty is the best policy, always. I hate and abhor lying, misleading, and all other attempts at falsehood. As a rule, I do not practice these things with others unless I'm forced to, and then I wind up hating myself for it. So David - I don't understand what your deal is. I never lied to you, and never lead you to believe anything that wasn't true. You accuse of me of alluding to you and trying to "soil your name" or whatever. Guess what, I didn't. There is absolutely no mention of you at all after you decided to be an ass and tell my computer that you didn't want to talk to me anymore. The night in question: I was with one of the most wonderful men in the world, who I dated for years and could possibly end up marrying. Jealous? And why is that? What did I ever promise you? Did I tell you that I loved you? Absolutely nothing, and absolutely not. You were my friend, a very good one, with whom I had a lot of fun. You obviously have attatchment issues, and you over estimate your importance in this world by leaps and bounds if you believe that my life revolves around you. That away message was not for your sake, you were the farthest things from my mind that night. I was happy, with somebody who I loved, and still do. It's rather unfortunate that you can't experience the same thing - but I doubt that you ever shall considering your issues. I don't mean to be bitchy, but I don't appreciate liars either - thanks for the surprise revelations there. This too, is my personal diary. I allow my friends to read it, but I'm not looking for pity, ever. It's simply where I attempt to sort out all of the crazy things going on in my head and in my life. If someone wants to be moved by my words, that's fine - but I'm not in search of people to feel sorry for me. That is what people do when they have nothing else to do. Sound familiar? For those who are familiar with my blog, they will recognize that it is merely and extension of my personality. When I'm feeling way up, or down, it helps me to put those feelings into words. I wrote a lengthy blog about the reasons that I write sometime back in October or November, and it would do you good to go back and re-check that one.
Your petty attempts at hurting my feelings have done nothing but piss me off, that someone can be so twisted and mean. What did I do to you? I put up an away message that said "time for sleepy with my honey" - and you went postal. Anyone else see something strange about that? So yeah - I bother not with those who respect me not. I'm not into that "bye forever" bullshit, since obviously if you write that on two occasions "forever" looses its potency, instead I'm going to be the grown up here - and leave the lines open for future dialogue. I try to be a forgiving and understanding person. What my limits are when it comes to this, I don't know. But feel free to respond, or (gasp) pick up the phone and call. Because I hate leaving things unfinished, as they so clearly are since you never addressed me personally, but rather my electronic extensions.
And ps: I love my life. Sometimes things bite, but I always always always have hope and optimism somewhere in me. I get that from my sister, the classic idealist. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world- because I have the only things that really matter - love, family, and friends. All else is inconsequential in the great scheme of things. Never forget that.
For some reason - people feel obliged to tie up loose ends, make amends for past wrongs committed, etc. I have been the victim of one of these attempts today, and it has left me in a rather sour mood - which is rather unfortunate seeing as how it's Christmas and all. But here's my response to this pitiful attempt at a "Happy Holidays" gesture, doubtful that it will ever be read by he-who-thinks-i'm-fake, but oh well at least it's out there now:
I do not play with people intentionally, ever. Honesty is the best policy, always. I hate and abhor lying, misleading, and all other attempts at falsehood. As a rule, I do not practice these things with others unless I'm forced to, and then I wind up hating myself for it. So David - I don't understand what your deal is. I never lied to you, and never lead you to believe anything that wasn't true. You accuse of me of alluding to you and trying to "soil your name" or whatever. Guess what, I didn't. There is absolutely no mention of you at all after you decided to be an ass and tell my computer that you didn't want to talk to me anymore. The night in question: I was with one of the most wonderful men in the world, who I dated for years and could possibly end up marrying. Jealous? And why is that? What did I ever promise you? Did I tell you that I loved you? Absolutely nothing, and absolutely not. You were my friend, a very good one, with whom I had a lot of fun. You obviously have attatchment issues, and you over estimate your importance in this world by leaps and bounds if you believe that my life revolves around you. That away message was not for your sake, you were the farthest things from my mind that night. I was happy, with somebody who I loved, and still do. It's rather unfortunate that you can't experience the same thing - but I doubt that you ever shall considering your issues. I don't mean to be bitchy, but I don't appreciate liars either - thanks for the surprise revelations there. This too, is my personal diary. I allow my friends to read it, but I'm not looking for pity, ever. It's simply where I attempt to sort out all of the crazy things going on in my head and in my life. If someone wants to be moved by my words, that's fine - but I'm not in search of people to feel sorry for me. That is what people do when they have nothing else to do. Sound familiar? For those who are familiar with my blog, they will recognize that it is merely and extension of my personality. When I'm feeling way up, or down, it helps me to put those feelings into words. I wrote a lengthy blog about the reasons that I write sometime back in October or November, and it would do you good to go back and re-check that one.
Your petty attempts at hurting my feelings have done nothing but piss me off, that someone can be so twisted and mean. What did I do to you? I put up an away message that said "time for sleepy with my honey" - and you went postal. Anyone else see something strange about that? So yeah - I bother not with those who respect me not. I'm not into that "bye forever" bullshit, since obviously if you write that on two occasions "forever" looses its potency, instead I'm going to be the grown up here - and leave the lines open for future dialogue. I try to be a forgiving and understanding person. What my limits are when it comes to this, I don't know. But feel free to respond, or (gasp) pick up the phone and call. Because I hate leaving things unfinished, as they so clearly are since you never addressed me personally, but rather my electronic extensions.
And ps: I love my life. Sometimes things bite, but I always always always have hope and optimism somewhere in me. I get that from my sister, the classic idealist. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world- because I have the only things that really matter - love, family, and friends. All else is inconsequential in the great scheme of things. Never forget that.
Monday, December 23, 2002
While it was a smart idea to leave my computer at school, I still miss it! Actually I miss the connection most, dial-up sucks big time, I keep getting kicked off and that does not make me happy. I haven't added anything in a while, so there's so much to say!! And of course my house is sooo freezing that I can barely feel my fingers so I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to want to type - but I'll try to get it all out:)
First of all - Ohio was a total trip - literally and figuratively;) We got to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where Linds worked this past summer, and we got comp. tickets and 50% off in the gift store cause her uncle is the CFO (I think that stands for cheif finance officer). We met him, and got to meet the CEO - this guy who is pretty eccentric and was on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or some similar show because his house is awesome and it's right on Lake Erie. In addition, we did a good deal of shopping, we all got massages as our Christmas gifts to each other, and just had a really great time. I really miss Lindsay so much now - we had such a great time, it was as if we hadn't been apart for any time at all, everything was great like it used to be. Ah well, I think Laur and I are trying to convince her to come visit us during her Spring break, or if we all have break at the same time maybe we'll do a trip to New York and maybe stay at my grandparents' house, haha I'm sure they wouldn't mind. We'll have to wait and see:) Either way, hopefully I'll get to see her again before long:)
Then when I got back from Ohio, AJ was here - so of course we had to hang out:) I love chilling with her!! We had such a great time. Friday night we went out shopping and what not, then we rented the first Lord of the Rings movie, watched that over popcorn, then the next morning we went to see the second one in the theater. That was definately fun:) I think it's funny how the people that I hang out with aren't the ones I went to high school with - lol. Oh well, I didn't hang out with anyone from high school in high school, so why should I now? Then on Saturday night we went to Hooters w/ Billy and Robbie. It was my first time, and it was definately another interesting experience. Our waitress was really sweet, and both the boys were checking her out cause she was hot too:) haha, anyways, tonight we have a very very very long Folk Group practice to go over all the Christmas music, we're singing at two masses tomorrow night. Then afterwards looks like AJ and I will be hanging out, maybe with Billy and some of his friends, and maybe we'll be getting our drink on tonight. We'll see.
(wow I guess I did write a lot today, haha)
First of all - Ohio was a total trip - literally and figuratively;) We got to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where Linds worked this past summer, and we got comp. tickets and 50% off in the gift store cause her uncle is the CFO (I think that stands for cheif finance officer). We met him, and got to meet the CEO - this guy who is pretty eccentric and was on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or some similar show because his house is awesome and it's right on Lake Erie. In addition, we did a good deal of shopping, we all got massages as our Christmas gifts to each other, and just had a really great time. I really miss Lindsay so much now - we had such a great time, it was as if we hadn't been apart for any time at all, everything was great like it used to be. Ah well, I think Laur and I are trying to convince her to come visit us during her Spring break, or if we all have break at the same time maybe we'll do a trip to New York and maybe stay at my grandparents' house, haha I'm sure they wouldn't mind. We'll have to wait and see:) Either way, hopefully I'll get to see her again before long:)
Then when I got back from Ohio, AJ was here - so of course we had to hang out:) I love chilling with her!! We had such a great time. Friday night we went out shopping and what not, then we rented the first Lord of the Rings movie, watched that over popcorn, then the next morning we went to see the second one in the theater. That was definately fun:) I think it's funny how the people that I hang out with aren't the ones I went to high school with - lol. Oh well, I didn't hang out with anyone from high school in high school, so why should I now? Then on Saturday night we went to Hooters w/ Billy and Robbie. It was my first time, and it was definately another interesting experience. Our waitress was really sweet, and both the boys were checking her out cause she was hot too:) haha, anyways, tonight we have a very very very long Folk Group practice to go over all the Christmas music, we're singing at two masses tomorrow night. Then afterwards looks like AJ and I will be hanging out, maybe with Billy and some of his friends, and maybe we'll be getting our drink on tonight. We'll see.
(wow I guess I did write a lot today, haha)
Sunday, December 15, 2002
I'm home now, and I probably won't be posting for some time. Leaving tomorrow to drive to Baltimore, then Laur and I are heading to Ohio to visit Lindsay on Monday morning!! I'm soo excited to go, I've missed that girl soo much this semester! What to say about this semester? I think I formed a new record when it comes to procrastinating, I managed to spend almost every night with someone or other, though halfway through it got pretty predictable who that person was:) yeah - interesting time. Now i'm looking ahead to Ohio, then Christmas, then New years, then Florida - all before next semester!! oh my.
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